sigh.
BIG FAT SIGH.
nope, im not exactly happy. lotsa things bothering me in fact.
1) Seeing him bugs me. It has an undesirable effect on my rather weak heart. I have the ability to be strong, but it seems like there’s a limit to how strong i can be after all. if i can just go without any interaction with him at all, i can safely say that i feel contented with what i have now. but the moment i see him, speak to him again, i get reminded of his uncanny charm. somehow it just works its way into my heart. and i end up having to spend the rest of the day pushing unwelcomed thoughts away. Now come on Jac, time to tell let those rational voices speak in your head again. I hate this feeling. not because i can’t put up with separation, but because i’m afraid that this feeling will never go away, and that i may just end up regretting this decision of mine all my life. after all, he possesses a certain charm and charisma that keeps me interested, and i seriously wonder how long this keen interest will last. I think he brings out the piscean traits in me.
2) They say change is the only constant. So absolutely right. Before today, i was going on fine; totally contented and satisfied with what i have. Yes, I could feel myself changing back to my old self; I’m beginning to believe in love again. While watching D esper ate Hou sewi ves, I even teared at the scene when Lynette told Tom that she had moved on. Gosh. I haven’t felt that way in ages. During that period of time when th wasn’t part of my life, I was pretty hardened up. No amount of sappy/heartwrenching scenes were able to squeeze a drop of tear out of me. I was angsty and cynical. I couldn’t believe in love and couldn’t comprehend nor feel the pain that can be caused by love. Perhaps I was pushing myself a little too hard to forget and just be happy that I turned into a unmoving, unfeeling, cynical and scarred girl. Well, one praiseworthy thing, I still managed to look happy. Actually I was happy, but I knew very well that I just wasn’t myself. Day after day I could feel the subconscious desire to just have fun. And after all that evaluation, i told myself that if the same thing is to happen to me again, I will not fall back anymore. This will be the last chance i’m giving th, no matter how much he matters to me. Cause i’m pretty sure that if that day comes again, I’ll be so jaded and disilllusioned that no amount of help can make me believe in love again. Yes i am THAT tired. After all, I still can’t forget the desperation that drove me into calling for professional help. So please, let this work out.
3) Work. I really want to push myself hard. I want to be an achiever. Sometimes, I feel that nothing beats the satisfaction one gets from producing quality work that is appreciated by others. In a way, I think I am a perfectionist when it comes to work, in both quality and presentation. I hate seeing my workpapers in a mess. If there is a slightest mistake on my workpaper, I’ll rather reprint it than use correction fluid. Yes, I want the person reviewing to go “ahhh, flawless”. And based on the past 3 weeks on the job, I’m not sure if I’m up to my own standard yet. Sometimes I feel I can do alot better by taking more initiatives. However, my shyness gets the better of me at times. When I’m feeling not so confident about myself, I become pretty reluctant to ask. Which is a weakness. I need to work on that. About time I be as confident as I appear to be.
4) On to confidence. Similar to the expectations I have of my work, I want to be a perfectionist when it comes to presentation of myself. So I’m going to try my best at working on my plus points. Swim more, exercise more, eat less unhealthy food. I must bag that dream physique and skin.
Enough for now, really exhausted. Seems like sleeping at 11.30pm doesn’t do much help. I’m still as exhausted.
Night Safari is awesome. Glad I didn’t give it a miss.
